A Sibling Perspective: Interview with Fiona

My son, Ben, is 11 and my approach to his disability has changed a lot since he was little. I knew very little about disabled people when he was born and my experience of being his mother has been a rapid education in the issues surrounding disability. If I had known then what I know now, I would have done things differently and I would have found it helpful to have read stories of other people with similar experiences.

This is my latest interview in an occasional series – usually A Parent Perspective, but this time A Sibling Perspective – with Fiona, who lives with her disabled brother, Ewan. I found it so interesting to hear her thoughts about growing up with her brother.



Could you describe your family?

My mum and dad have three children – I’m the oldest, then my sister, Kirsty, then Ewan who is three years younger than me and is disabled. We grew up in Sussex and then moved to Scotland when Ewan left school to a house that is designed around Ewan’s needs. Ewan and I have always been incredibly close. My parents were Ewan’s carers but they’re not getting any younger and I wanted to be involved so now I am his main carer. My parents, Ewan, my husband Dom and I all live together which means there’s a lot of bickering because we all have strong opinions! But it works well for Ewan because he has me and my husband around and we can go out and do things very naturally. We do have paid carers as well.

Could describe Ewan and what he likes doing?

Ewan’s very cheeky. He loves to entertain us by doing something daft or mischievous. We both work at a candle shop, which is a social enterprise designed for people with disabilities. He and I are joint workshop leaders which I think Ewan really enjoys. We’re lucky to have met a nice group of friends, both with and without disabilities, and we go out – evenings at the pub, lunches, an art class. Ewan’s quite social and loves spending time with my husband, Dom.

Ewan is 36. We describe him as being disabled – having a learning disability. He needs a lot of support though he can do lots himself. He uses a wheelchair and doesn’t speak but he has fantastic communication. Ewan uses Makaton sign language, or at least his version of it! He also has some vocalisations – he’ll make sounds for yes, no, and some names that we recognise. He can get anxious in some situations and find them challenging.

How does Ewan’s disability affect his day to day life? What are the things that you, as a family, plan around?

At home he’s just Ewan. If we’re planning a day out sometimes it can be difficult to know what we’ll be able to do, what he’ll find interesting, whether we’ll be able to get in the building, whether there will be a Changing Place. From his point of view, his anxiety affects him. If Ewan’s worried or excited about something he has a lot of spasms in his arm, and that can cause pain.

Do you remember as a child realising that Ewan was different to you and your sister?

We didn’t know when Ewan born that he was disabled. Because he’s the youngest I think my mum realised that he wasn’t doing things that my sister and I had done. I remember being told that Ewan was blind and ‘handicapped’ (as it was in those days), and then he didn’t learn to walk and talk. He was obviously different but I don’t remember it really being much of an issue. I’ve always been very close to Ewan and I’m very proud of him, so people would get told about him all the time! I’ve never experienced anything negative about him being my brother.

To say that my parents weren’t fazed by it sounds ridiculous, but that’s the way it came across. Obviously he needed different things, different care, but it was always more of a practical thing, and mum and dad were very aware of trying to treat us all the same.

Did you choose to be Ewan’s carer?

Yes, I chose it because I feel that it works. It doesn’t really feel like I’m his carer except for the obvious things where we help him physically. It’s just our relationship and it’s fun. The hardest thing for me is stepping back and entrusting somebody else with the role because it can be difficult for other people to know how much independence to give Ewan, for example, and they can be tempted to make a choice for on his behalf or perhaps take over an activity.

Was there a natural progression over time as you took over from your parents?

When my husband and I moved to Scotland we allocated which days each of us would do Ewan’s care and I always wanted more days so we could go and do fun things. Now I support Ewan Monday to Friday and my parents do it at the weekends, though since we live with each other there’s overlap.

My parents know a lot more than I do about Ewan’s medical history and so they are more involved with that side of his care. Ewan used to have more health worries but thankfully since his epilepsy has been under control he’s been better. I am starting to take him to important hospital appointments on my own.

As a familywe bicker a lot, but not over Ewan’s care. I say I don’t want other people worrying about us because of Ewan, but I was worried about my parents and whether they were coping with all the care that they were doing before we moved up here. And now, they worry about me. I think that’s what families do!

What has worked particularly well for Ewan at particular stages of his life?

From the age of six he went to a brilliant school in Sussex. The whole school was geared towards their students, all of whom had very complex disabilities. They did everything, like scout camp for example. Ewan had the opportunity to do so many things, learned loads, and he enjoyed it. He’s not really had the same opportunities since he left school because not everywhere has the facilities.

When we moved to Scotland there were a few disabled children just leaving the high school and there was nothing here aimed at people with disabilities, which is why things like the candle shop came about. I’m talking on Ewan’s behalf here, but I think we’ve been really lucky. It feels like we’ve been in the right place at the right time.

Are there things that have been particularly challenging either for him, or for you as a family?

Ewan does always seem to be quite happy and he doesn’t seem to worry if he can’t do something. I think we lived in a bit of a false sense of security for a long time, thinking that he had everything he needed at home. It’s only since finding the first Changing Places toilet that the penny dropped for me, and I wondered why we were only just discovering them. Noticing how inaccessible places are makes me angry and frustrated. I think we’ve been incredibly lucky compared to many other people, in terms of support and services. We have been in the right place at the right time.

I think that no one talks about the benefits of having a disabled sibling…

I agree, or they do but it’s that ‘inspiring’ thing. I guess it’s hard to appreciate unless it is your experience. I know friends who have had harder times that us – we’re very lucky that Ewan’s health is good. If he didn’t sleep or needed a lot of medical attention our experiences would be different. I feel like we’re very lucky. Sometimes I don’t understand how other people don’t get it and don’t see the world like I do, and then I remember that they’re not all as fortunate as I am.

Do you have any advice for other siblings or for parents of disabled children or adults?

I’m not really in a position to give advice, but perhaps it would be: don’t compare. I’m not a parent but I think we’re all individuals. We’re all going to be the people that we’re meant to be, irrespective of disability. You can’t possibly compare one person to another, or the speed at which they’re doing something. I think my parents knew Ewan was going to be different so didn’t compare or worry about milestones.

I’ve spoken to my mum about it and she was upset when she first heard Ewan’s diagnosis but that’s the only sad thing I’ve ever heard. I sometimes feel like families are beating themselves up for not doing enough therapy with their children, that they think they’re not doing the best by their child, and that’s quite hard to watch. I think what will be will be.

You can find Fiona on Instagram @ewieandfi and on Twitter @fmmchiarini

Ben can cycle!

Milestones are a tricky thing for parents and children like us and Ben. Many of the obvious ones from early childhood never materialised and perhaps some never will. If they do, they will be the result of years of hard work on Ben’s part, considerable therapy input and a lot of patience. This is why we start to talk about ‘inchstones’ (as I have done here) which are no less valuable than the typical milestones. Inchstones recognise the scale of greys that we operate in; Ben can’t sit on his own but has worked up from always being held to being able to sit unsupported for two minutes. In our world, this is brilliant progress.

So there we are, pottering along, Ben working really hard on every aspect of his life, accumulating the inchstones. James and I are a bit distracted by the birth of Molly. It’s mid-winter (albeit one of the mildest winters on record) so Ben hasn’t been going out on his trike that much but we have been trying on the weekends when it isn’t raining…

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And then…

He is off! Riding his trike on his own! An unequivocal milestone! Starting with the odd couple of independent cycles with his legs, building up within minutes to confidently pedalling his legs round and round, spinning in circles. I wasn’t there to start with but James sent me jubilant videos by phone and by the time Molly and I got there Ben was happily cycling around the basketball court. We were all so happy it’s tricky to find a video that doesn’t have someone shrieking in it (I’ve muted the sound to save our blushes) but no-one was more excited than Ben himself.

It’s fantastic.

Because cycling is fun.

Because cycling is what six year olds do.

Because it’s Ben being able to move from one place to another entirely under his own steam which he hardly ever does (he can walk in his walker a bit but it takes a lot of effort and is therefore a bit inconsistent).

Because learning to ride a bike is a bona fide milestone (granted Ben can’t yet steer himself but let’s not quibble over technicalities).

Because Max also learnt to ride his bike in the same week and it’s lovely for brothers to do things together.

Because, above all else, Ben was proud of himself and that is a beautiful thing.

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Just in case it’s a while before another milestone comes along, I’m going to dissect a little how this one came about:

Patience and persistence

We have now had the trike for 15 months. We don’t use it every day but most weeks we have pushed Ben in the trike with his legs getting used to going round. I wrote a blog in April last year about Ben starting to cycle himself but it’s not until now that it’s happened reliably. These things take as long as they take. We must be patient and give Ben the chance to learn and develop the skills – it’s no use expecting things to happen quickly and, equally, just because he hasn’t done something (be it cycling, or learning letters, or using an eyegaze computer) within the arbitrary timescale imposed by some adults, doesn’t mean it won’t happen eventually.

Opportunity

As I wrote about here, we bought the trike privately as there is no statutory funding for such equipment and it was really expensive. Ben therefore had the opportunity to learn how to cycle, little and often, over time with no pressure. Kids like Ben have to be given access to equipment and activities even though things like trikes cost over ten times more than a normal child bike.

Enthusiasm

James and I are pretty good at taking Ben out in the trike but probably the thing that tipped the balance in favour of success was his new nanny/carer. She was with James and Ben the day that he nailed it and was coming to it with a level of enthusiasm which we had probably lost over the last 15 months. Ben really likes her and she was encouraging him to pedal on his own having given him a little push, and off he went. Maybe if James and I had been doing the same old pushing we wouldn’t have realised he was ready to do it on his own. It’s perhaps an obvious point but enthusiastic, skilled carers contribute hugely to Ben’s life.

Self-confidence

Because Ben is so dependent on others to help him with every aspect of his life, it is rare that he can do things on his own or that he can take full credit for them. I love that he was so pleased with himself for cycling, and that all of his patience and determination over the last year has been rewarded. When he went to school after the weekend we recorded a message about it on his communication button and sent video links to his teacher so his whole class watched him cycling. His teacher said he was thrilled when they discussed it and the idea of him sharing his huge achievement with his friends with a big smile on his face makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. The boy deserves a bit of self-esteem.

Siblings

Max learnt to really cycle his pedal bike the day before Ben’s achievement – he had been getting close for a while but required a hand on the back of his neck at all times which limited progress somewhat. It may be coincidence that the boys did it together, but probably not. They really keep an eye on each other and the interaction between them is great for them both – Max wants to do what Ben does and learn what he learns, Ben is encouraged to try games and activities that he wouldn’t tolerate at all if Max wasn’t around. This is the latest in a long list of examples of why having siblings is brilliant for them both.

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Brain surgery

It’s possible that some of this physical progress is down to the stimulators in Ben’s brain. The jury’s out at the moment – let’s wait and see how the rest of the year goes.

So hooray for big orange trikes and small persistent boys.