How to wee in space, or South Kensington

Do you know about Changing Places? Ben can’t use a standard accessible toilet so when are we are away from our house we need a Changing Place which is a room with a changing bench, a hoist and room for us and his wheelchair. Without a room like this, our only options are to not change Ben’s pad, or to heave him onto the floor of an accessible loo and change him there. Everyone can agree that lying a 9 year old boy onto the dirty floor of a public toilet is not acceptable, but neither is leaving Ben unchanged for hours.

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Many of our favourite places to visit in London have taken it upon themselves to install Changing Places: Tate Modern, Barbican, Royal Festival Hall. They have just opened a new one at City Hall, and there’s one in Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park.

Yet other places have so far been apparently incapable of finding the space, funding or enthusiasm to install one. Between the Science Museum, the Natural History Museum and the Victoria and Albert Museum there are no facilities to cater to any of their more disabled visitors despite the thousands that must visit every year. The museums are next to each other in Kensington – it would be easy for disabled visitors to move from one museum to the other to find the facilities they need but according to the Changing Places map it is a barren wasteland.

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This means that when we visit one of these museums, which we do often, our day is determined by how long it is reasonable to leave Ben without being changed. It doesn’t matter how much fun we are having, how interested Ben is in nocturnal creatures or how much Max doesn’t want to leave Wonderlab. We have to leave and drive home because there is no toilet within two miles for Ben to use.

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Let’s just think for a second about using the loo, or rather not being able to use the loo. I’m a woman so I’m used to queueing, but I know there’s going to somewhere I can use pretty much everywhere. I drink a lot of tea and water, I’ve had three kids, I wee a lot. Just imagine not being able to go to the loo, restricting fluids and organising your whole day, life, around where there might be a loo. People like Ben have to tolerate a certain amount of discomfort to get to see more of a museum.

During the recent anniversary of the moon landings I read a fascinating Twitter thread about peeing in space. The author, a science fiction writer, points out that it is a common misconception that women couldn’t go into space initially because they lacked the technology for them to pee. Actually, the technology for anyone to pee in space was untested and initial space flights involved a lot of men weeing in their spacesuits and capsules smelling of poo. By the time women were going into space, NASA developed a solution for launch and spacewalks called the Maximum Absorbency Garment (MAG) which was, essentially, a large nappy or pad. Men used them too because they were more comfortable and involved less pee floating around the cabin.

It is super cool that the Science Museum is giving Ben the genuine space experience by leaving him to sit in a MAG while admiring a lunar module, but I’d rather just change him. At the cutting edge of human endeavour, forty years ago, it seemed reasonable for astronauts to wear pads for long periods of time. On a Tuesday morning in the school holidays, in 2019, it does not seem reasonable for a boy to wear a pad all day because public institutions in central London don’t care enough about their disabled visitors to provide adequate facilities.

Presumably at the heart of this is people’s incapacity to imagine what they have not experienced. As a Continence Nurse said to me recently, ‘If I could persuade NHS managers to wear a pad for a day they might provide more pads per month to my patients and install Changing Places in hospitals.’ Imagine the results we might have if MPs or Museum Directors got the full MAG experience.

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Over the last few months I contacted the South Kensington museums about this issue. The V&A and Natural History Museums told me they have hopeful plans to install Changing Places in 2020. In the meantime the Natural History Museum says it can provide a mobile Changing Place on request. That doesn’t allow for a great deal of spontaneity, as it means we need to plan trips sufficiently in advance, but it is a good interim solution. The Science Museum hasn’t yet responded.

The Changing Places campaign estimates there are quarter of a million people in the UK who have some kind of disability and cannot use a standard accessible toilet. Yet there is no requirement for public buildings, old or new, to install Changing Places.

Thousands of people are living their lives constrained or in discomfort due to a lack of loos they can use. Surely if we can get people into space we could provide a few more specialised loos on earth?

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‘This is Ben. He’s playing the iPad.’

About five years ago I did a BBC Radio 5 Live interview, which was indeed live, about Ben’s nativity play which we had been to the day before at his then school. The BBC had been filming the rehearsals for the play and interviewing parents before the final performance, and a lovely film featured on their website. It was also picked up by 5 Live and Ben’s school asked if I could be interviewed on air. I said I’d think about it and spoke to my husband, James, who said obviously I should do it – why wouldn’t I? And he was, of course, right.

Before talking directly to the presenter on air I had a conversation with the producer of the show who asked about nativity play. He was friendly, but it was clear the story they were looking or hoping for (similar to the website headline: ‘The parents who never expected to see their child in a nativity play’) was one of my surprise that my disabled child had taken part in a nativity play. Ideally I would talk about how amazed I was, that I had never expected this to happen because my child was, you know, disabled.

I gently pushed back and said the play had been amazing but not beyond what I had dreamt for my son, because the school was great so it was entirely within expectations that they’d do a Christmas performance. Then I tried to give them an alternative story (encouraged by James who has done substantially more media interviews) which worked. When I was put on air and talking to the presenter she asked about Ben’s progress at school and I told everyone that he’d read new words the week before which was a much better, feelgood, story. I wrote a blog about it at the time here.

I had never thought about nativity plays and been sad that Ben would never get to be in one. I’d never really thought about nativity plays at all – for either (at the time I had two) of my children. I don’t spend much time thinking about whether they will or won’t take part in these rites of passage. But if I had then I would have presumed that Ben’s excellent schools would make some version of it happen, and they have – we’ve been to a Christmas play every year since Ben started school. I wouldn’t say he has always enjoyed them, but they have happened.

Over the years Ben has got better at being able to take part in these kinds of performances without finding it all too overwhelmingly bright, loud, unexpected and unpredictable. His current school has an Awards Night every year where all of the pupils’ achievements are celebrated. There are some speeches and performances and each child goes up onto the stage to accept a certificate. The first time we went Ben hated most of it, but particularly the moment when he had to go up to the stage, and we wheeled him off the stage in tears straight to the car to drive home, leaving six members of our extended family clapping for children they were not related to. He gets overstimulated by the cacophony of music, clapping, lights, people and being the centre of attention. This kind of event doesn’t happen every day and therefore is hard to handle for him.

We didn’t go to the second awards night. We gave the third a try and didn’t invite other family; Ben’s crying that year wasn’t quite as loud but still heartfelt. This year we tried again and prepped thoroughly. We talked Ben through it for days before, agreed with him who would go onto the stage with him. As the ceremony started James read furiously from a poetry book and Ben allowed himself to be occasionally distracted. When it came to his class’s turn, James and Max wheeled him up to the side of the stage and delivered joke after joke to Ben.

I watched nervously from the audience as they came up to the stage and the headteacher handed Ben his certificate. I could see Ben was tense, already sweating from the stress of it all, but HE WAS NOT CRYING. He even managed a small hint of a smile. And then they wheeled off. Max appeared a few moment later demanding more sweets and when James and Ben returned to our seats we agreed we shouldn’t push our luck and beat a jubilant retreat to the car.

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So when, a week later, the school asked us whether Ben should take part in an evening music performance we were unsure. They reminded us that we had said no the year before. But now, fresh from the success of awards night, maybe we should give it a go? It’s a delicate balance with these things between it feeling wrong to force Ben to take part in events he hates and making him stretch his comfort zone so that he can discover that it’s broader than he thought. We said yes.

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On the day Ben’s teacher said they would take the kids to a rehearsal between the end of school and the performance so we just needed to turn up at the venue at 7pm. We had sent in his dinner that morning and they got him ready to go. We were so nervous we left home early and had time for an unusual Monday evening drink – just two parents having a semi-relaxed glass of wine before going to watch their son in a concert. It felt like a Thing that we hadn’t been involved in any of the preparation for this – we weren’t the ones getting him fed and changed and ready – we would just be spectators.

The performance was in a converted church and we took our seats looking down on the large area of floor which was the stage, where once there would have been an altar. Ben and his gang (five kids, five teachers/assistants because that’s how special needs schools roll) were at the side of the stage and Ben looked more relaxed than we had expected. The concert began and it was a mixture of folksongs played by professional musicians and pieces with children from other, mainstream, schools. We could see Ben getting more tense but his teacher was sitting right next to him and talked him through it.

When it came to Ben’s school’s turn they wheeled the children onto the stage as the compere/conductor explained that musicians from the London Symphony Orchestra had been visiting the school and had composed a piece with the pupils. He introduced each of the children and their instrument: ‘This is Ben. He is playing the ipad’. Ben had a trumpeter standing directly in front of him and when he touched the ipad with his hand the notes changed according to the pressure and direction of his touch. The trumpeter then played each phrase back, mimicking his ipad music, like a freeform duet. Other pupils played drums and buttons linked to recorded music. It was glorious.

Ben sat patiently at the side of the stage for the rest of the concert, listening to beautiful children’s choirs and enthusiastic drumming. At the end we collected him, thanking his teacher for the utterly brilliant way she had helped steward Ben’s emotions through the evening, and saying hello to the trumpeter who was chatting to Ben. We paused outside the church to collect ourselves and our belongings and people came up to Ben to say hello, to say well done. One lady bent down to his level and stage whispered, ‘Ben. That. Was. Fabulous.’ As we walked away, the evening warm and still light, a family coming the other way said, ‘Bye Ben, well done.’ We don’t know any of these people. None of them knew his name before his performance. It was amazing.

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I hadn’t imagined Ben would perform with LSO musicians, not because I’d thought he wouldn’t be able to do it because he’s disabled and would be sitting at home excluded from normal childhood opportunities (see BBC headline above), but because I didn’t know my children would have the opportunity to perform with LSO musicians at all. I would have been proud of any of them taking part in a ‘proper’ concert like this.

But particularly for Ben – it’s not that I’m amazed that he took part in these performances despite his disability; it’s that I’m so proud of him taking part in these performances because he’s disabled. Because he’s worked (working) hard to overcome all the reasons why things like this are sometimes overwhelming for him. I think it’s amazing that he has got to the point of being able to enjoy these opportunities despite finding it hard to cope with the noise, stress, unfamiliarity they involve. I love that the iPad was treated equally to the trumpet, and his disability incorporated, and that all the other parents and children remembered his name and came to say hello. It was one of THOSE moments which I’ll talk about when I’m old and dotty and reminiscing about how much joy my children brought me.

‘My Brudder is Bisabled’

This is an elaboration on an Instagram post from May. You can follow me on Instagram for cute photos of my kids and occasional thoughts @jessmox

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Molly helped me as I was putting Ben’s AFOs on one morning (AFO: ankle-foot orthosis – a custom made plastic splint to support the foot and ankle and keep them straight) by picking them up off the floor each time Ben kicked them off. As she climbed back up, she asked why Ben was kicking her in the face? We had a chat about Ben being disabled and I told her that her brain is in her head and it tells her legs how to move, and the messages between Ben’s brain and legs get confused. She’s 3. She listened and moved on.

I think so much of the cause of people feeling disability is unfortunate, bad or alien is because they don’t have the language to discuss it. If adults don’t use straightforward language to talk about disability with kids, and rather refuse to discuss it or use opaque, unfamiliar words, it reinforces the idea that there is something to be scared of or intimidated by. They get the impression there is something awkward that parents don’t want to discuss. Kids are never too young to be given the words to describe different kinds of people. These conversations can be just as cute as any others: ‘my brudder is bisabled!’

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I don’t pretend to speak for everyone on this issue. The rich variety of humans means people like to be called different things, but disabled is a descriptive term not a slur, and it is the most appropriate word to describe Ben along with boy, child, white, male and awesome. Disabled is a political term used to describe people who are disadvantaged and excluded because of their impairments.

Other people would like to be called other things, or parents would like their children to be called something else. I have friends with children with learning difficulties who would describe their children as having special needs. Some adults would not like to be described as having ‘special needs’ since they would say their needs aren’t special, they are specific.

I have read pieces by disabled people talking about how horrible it is to be stared at, and other pieces saying parents should never tell a child to look away from a disabled person – that this compounds a sense that there is something to be embarrassed about. I know that having a child who points and stares at someone, possible saying something deeply uncomfortable very loudly, is awkward. It can be embarrassing. I also know that having a child who is stared and pointed at can be painful.

But most people don’t take offence at children. Parents are often embarrassed because they realise they don’t know what the right thing to say is and they know they are unprepared for this discussion and perhaps are realising how little they have taught their children about disability and inclusion. Children are often pointing out difference and asking straightforward questions which can be quickly and easily answered.

If you have tried to educate yourself in the terminology of disability and taken time to hear disabled people’s stories you are likely to be less intimidated by getting language wrong. The best way of dealing with all of this is to ask people, or parents, what words they would like to use. You don’t need to know the correct word to describe someone to say hello to them.

I have explained to many children that Ben is disabled – that his body works differently and he cannot always control it. I have answered questions about why I am connecting a tube to his stomach and pushing water through a syringe, or why Ben is dribbling, and how his eyegaze computer works. When children ask these questions their parents often look panicked, but kids are inquisitive and I am happy to explain all of these things because none of it is problematic. It’s all really quite straightforward. A lot of it is technologically amazing.

Molly had a friend come to play today and she showed her some teddies. One of them has a gastrostomy button like Ben. ‘This teddy is disabled’, she said as she showed her friend, ‘and this one is a monkey.’

There’s nothing to be scared of. If in doubt, smile and be kind. Let’s raise our kids right.

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What to expect from grown-ups

I recently took Ben to a new place, for a new thing, which involved us swimming in a pool. It was a brilliant morning – the kind of pinch-me event that makes me so grateful that Ben has these opportunities, that I get to do this stuff with him.

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But accompanying the #blessed vibe, there was the cold, hard reality of needing to get Ben and me into our swimming costumes. We were at an unfamiliar school and there was a teaching assistant on hand to help get Ben and another child ready. As I got Ben onto the changing plinth, she said she would get Ben undressed while I got changed. This seemed sensible since I couldn’t really get naked in room full of strangers, so I left her to take Ben’s jumper and tshirt off while I popped next door. When I came back, I took over and continued to undress Ben. As I was putting some of his clothing in our bag, she started to undress Ben’s bottom half. I said I would do it but as I did, she continued to help. I repeated that I could do it.

She was being helpful. But it felt uncomfortable. I was there and happy to do all of it. We didn’t need help. Ben didn’t know her, and there is an intimacy to undressing which feels odd with someone who he has just met, who he had been cursorily introduced to, and who he is now expected to be on intimate, but unequal, terms.

Ben will always require assistance, he will need people (mostly able-bodied) to help him access the world. There is likely to be an imbalance in power and a dynamic in these relationships where Ben is more dependent, and this be interpreted as weakness. The solution isn’t for me or James to do everything for him, and for us to reduce his dependence on other people by increasing his dependence on us as parents. I am thinking about how to frame these interactions in an age-appropriate way – all children are dependent on adults in some way, but for Ben that means help to be changed and fed as well as taught and entertained.

Some of this is basic – it’s reasonable for Ben to expect people to introduce themselves and explain or ask him about what’s going to happen next before they start to undress him. Some of it is more nuanced. There are people whom Ben immediately likes and trusts, but we can’t expect that this magical energy will materialise in every interaction. Maybe sometimes Ben’s immediate need to be changed, fed, moved or assisted overrides his lack of immediate warmth to the person doing the changing, feeding or moving. Children don’t get to choose all of the adults who they interact with, but I think they should have a sense of what is okay and what is not, and should always feel safe and respected.

Last year we had a carer at home who was mainly assisting and entertaining Ben with us at the weekend. We weren’t convinced she was hugely enriching Ben’s life but with a full family life including two other kids, she helped ensure Ben had what he needed and was read some books. I felt guilty that he was spending time with her (albeit only a few hours), but that’s the bread and butter of being a mother to three kids.

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One afternoon I went upstairs to see how Ben was getting on and as I walked into his room she was hoisting him out of his chair in a way that was wrong, despite having been shown how we do this to make sure Ben is safe and comfortable. I then realised that she hadn’t moved him all afternoon and he was wet and uncomfortable from being in the same chair for hours. I was shocked and explained to her why all of this was unacceptable in front of Ben before asking her to leave the room and having a further chat with her on our landing. I felt protective, like a lioness who needed to corral her cubs and keep them close forever, and I asked her to leave. I bathed Ben carefully and put him in dry, clean clothes and we all watched TV together.

I had reacted in the moment. We generally try to have conversations with Ben’s carers away from the children as we don’t want our house to be a constant management exercise witnessed by them, and they need to have relationships with the carers we employ independently of us. But as I calmed down, I thought it was totally fine for Ben to have witnessed my shock and to know that I thought it was unacceptable.

It is not right for Ben to feel unsafe in his own house. It is not okay for him to be dependent on others for his personal care and for those people to not give it the thought and attention that they should. He shouldn’t have to put up with mediocre communication and monosyllabic conversation. He needs to be able to trust people with intimate moments of access.

I think it’s appropriate for him to see us calling out moments where people do this wrong. We need to make explicit what our expectations are, and to hopefully build in him a sense of what he can expect from adults, how much he has to put up with and when he’s allowed to protest. Later that night Molly, then age two, asked what the carer had done that was ‘naughty’ because she had heard my conversation with her on the landing and had (correctly) interpreted it as a telling off. I told her that the carer had done something wrong to Ben and she had gone home.

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As I put Ben to bed, I explained that it wasn’t okay for the carer to have moved him in a way that was risky, to have left him in his wheelchair for so long, and that she would not be coming back. I don’t know for sure how much of this he understood, but I hope Ben – and Max and Molly – know that he has a right to feel safe and comfortable, and grown-ups aren’t always right.

 

 

 

 

Clicking in the gallery

We took the kids to Tate Britain at the weekend. It’s a good thing to do first thing on a Sunday morning – we can drive there easily, it’s not busy, and we can get coffee and pastries in the café which incentivises the whole trip for all of us.

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It was the last day of the Turner Prize exhibition so I had a chat with a guy at the front desk about whether it was suitable for children. I mentioned nudity, and he started talking through whether there were naked people in any of the pieces. I had to clarify that nudity wasn’t the problem, it was what the potentially nude people were doing, since I’d accidentally once walked Ben into a room of Gilbert & George works which were utterly inappropriate. Oh, no, no sex, he said.

And he was right, no sex. But the four nominees for the Turner Prize had all presented video works, two of which were about people who were being or had been killed. Of the other two, we all enjoyed some of a film about the legacy of colonialism in Tripoli. Yes, really. It was beautiful and interesting, and Molly only asked to leave four times.

Video art is perfect for Ben. He is drawn to screens, and these screens were huge. Each artist’s room had just one bench and people came and went so it was easy to manoeuvre Ben’s wheelchair in and out.

James took Ben into a film about queerness and Scotland which seemed safe for kids. For most of the time it was silent, with sweeping footage of ancient standing stones in remote Scottish islands. The other visitors were sitting silently and Ben was engrossed. The only noise was the rhythmical clicks of Ben’s tongue.

Ben has dystonia, which means he has involuntary movements in his muscles. It makes it very hard for him to control his own movements which affects his ability to sit, walk and talk. It also affects the way his tongue works, in that it moves a lot but not in a way that makes eating possible. This means Ben doesn’t control his saliva, and he makes a clicking noise sometimes as he moves his tongue within his mouth.

When he was first at nursery the staff would call him “Dolphin Boy”, for the little clicks he would make throughout the day, like he was trying to communicate on some level unintelligible to mere humans. He would make the sound when he was relaxed or interested in something – never when he was stressed or uncomfortable, when his mouth would be tense. He would often click when he was lying in bed, or when we were hanging out at home and he was content. Over the years he has done it less.

When Ben was younger we were self-conscious about him making noises, particularly in very quiet places. For a child who doesn’t talk, Ben can be quite noisy. He often kicks which makes his wheelchair squeak, or makes noises to complain, or shrieks if he is excited. It doesn’t matter if you’re in open, noisy areas but in silent galleries (or cinemas, restaurants, planetariums, theatres) the noises can seem loud and potentially disruptive. I would hate the idea of other people being bothered by the noise. I’m the kind of person who would rather not eat sweets than risk making loud crackles with a packet of fruit pastilles in a cinema.

Over the years we have come to notice or care about this less and less. If Ben is making a lot of noise he is often not enjoying himself, and we will take him somewhere else, out of the theatre. But if he’s making noise while enjoying something, then so be it. Ben is often the one laughing loudest and longest at something funny at the cinema, but he may also be making some noise in the quiet bits. If someone else is bothered by a disabled child making some noise, then I don’t really care. Odds are they could visit again, whereas outings for us are logistical challenges. I think expecting one mode of behaviour from all humans in every public space is, when you start to think about it, ridiculous. And actually, much of my anxiety about disrupting other people with our family’s noise is (was) presumptive – I imagine people are annoyed, when the vast majority of people either haven’t heard it, or have but are relaxed about it. We meet lots of people who are friendly to us in these situations, even when we’re blocking their exit from the row with Ben’s wheelchair and the four hundred bags we like to carry with us at any one time.

Still, it’s one thing to intellectually decide that it’s okay for Ben to make his noises in places where they might draw attention, but it can be another to not feel a twinge of anxiety about it. Over time, I’ve come to marry the two. I hear the noises themselves less, I’m less likely to see whether other people have noticed, and I care less about all of it.

In the dark room at Tate, James said no-one turned towards the noise as he, Ben and a group of strangers watched sweeping Scottish scenery accompanied by the rhythmical clicks of Ben being content. I think that’s kind of wonderful.

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We then rewarded ourselves with croissants and cappuccinos, and then wandered through the main galleries of Tate looking at art back through the centuries. Somewhere towards the sixteenth century Molly took her shoes off and tried to jump off the benches, before shouting that she wanted to run. I tried to tame her while James talked to the boys about paintings of men on horses, and paintings of men fighting.

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Molly’s just turned three, and it’s an ‘interesting’ age. During our trip to Tate our disabled child was at no point the one that we were self-conscious about, that we were noticing people’s reactions to, or worrying whether his behaviour was appropriate for the space. Partly because I think the noises Ben makes are largely appropriate to all spaces, but also because no-one notices him when a small but furious girl is careering towards art of national importance, tripping people up as she goes. There’s a moral in there somewhere, beyond the immediate lesson that one way to distract yourself from overthinking your disabled child is to take a three year old whirlwind with you wherever you go.

Ben is 9!

Ben is now 9! I just reread my last proper blog about Ben’s birthday, when he turned 7, and much of it I would like to repeat: I can’t believe he’s 9! He’s so tall! Well done us for 9 years of parenting!

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A lot has happened in the last two years, though in many ways things for Ben and us can seem similar – the appointments, the physio, the school, his interests. When you are there every day you don’t notice your kids growing up, until you catch sight of them across a playground and cannot believe that massive child once lived in your (my) womb.

Two years ago I said Ben had:

“made huge progress on using his eyegaze computer: using it almost every day, knowing exactly what he wants to do, reliably choosing stories and then navigating through them like a pro, using communication software to create messages that were totally appropriate to the moment.”

That was true then. It is also true now: what I want to tell you on Ben’s 9th birthday is that he’s got so much better at using his eyegaze computer (and lowtech communication book). That he often knows exactly what he wants to do, will choose the story he wants and navigate through it, that he goes into and then exit activities when he wants. That he uses his communication software to say things that are entirely appropriate.

Some of what I want to say sounds so similar to 2016 that it begs the question of what  what exactly has changed since he was 7. The complexity of the way Ben learns and communicates means progress, or development, is hard won. It can be inconsistent and hard to capture precisely. I look back on Ben two years ago and I know that he wasn’t as good at navigating around his communication device as he is now. That isn’t to say he wasn’t doing those things before, but perhaps I did see small improvements and leapt on them. I know more now, I expect more of him now. In some ways Ben is doing much the same stuff he was doing two years ago, and in other ways he’s made wonderful progress.

The timescale of helping Ben learn new skills is difficult – it can take a long time. It can be hard to know whether he is improving or learning, and therefore whether you are doing the right thing. It can feel pointless to continue working on something that appears to be having little impact. We knew that communication was a long term project, probably lifelong, but you still can’t help hoping that there will be some kind of miraculous progress at some point.

Which of course there isn’t. But there is slow incremental improvement, a bit more nuance, a little more unprompted communication. It is all subtle and understated. We are talking about complex skills, involving deft eye control, motor planning, memory and language knowledge. It’s difficult to articulate, but I’ll do my best.

Two years ago Ben was using a high-tech eyegaze device that we had bought ourselves – it was a laptop with an eye tracker connected via USB. He could only use it when sat at a table. For the last 18 months he has had an NHS-funded eyegaze device which mounts to his wheel-, school- and home-chairs. He is still quite light, so his weight isn’t sufficient counterweight when the device attached which means it can’t be mounted all the time (e.g. on uneven ground), but he has it mounted on his chair at home and school for some portion of every day. For the last year he has also had additional educational funding so he has two hours of 1:1 time each day when an adult supports his communication specifically – modelling how to say something on his device, helping him find specific vocabulary, helping him use his device to do school work.

These developments have given him more time to practise and more opportunities to find pathways within his communication software. Sometimes progress doesn’t look how you imagined: over the summer he used all of this input to navigate out of his communication software every time I tried to talk to him using it. Every single time. This was disheartening – isn’t supporting his communication meant to mean he communicates with us more?

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To do this he was adeptly selecting three different cells in different positions on three different pages in order to exit his PODD communication software and then go to one of the stories on his device – clearly communicating that he didn’t want to talk to me, he wanted to read (and be read) a book. So I had to admire his determination and skill, and respect his wishes – to force him to talk would be as inappropriate as trying to make a verbal child speak to you.

Since the summer he has chilled out in this particular regard, and will now talk with his device. It is mostly in the context of a specific conversation rather than unprompted speech. It’s getting increasingly relevant and timely, with some ‘scaffolding’ provided by  his communication partner.

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For his birthday Ben’s aunt Rosie sent him some incredible shoes with lights in the soles. Once we’d opened the package and put them on, we talked about them with his device. I went to the homepage of his communication software, where there are various categories of words, and went to Special Events. He then chose ‘happy’ and ‘birthday’, and then I selected ‘present’. I said ‘this present was from…’, and I went back to the home page and into the People folder, where Ben selected ‘Rosie.

I said, ‘yes, from Rosie. And look what she’s bought you!’. I couldn’t remember where exactly to find the word but went into the ‘Clothes’ page. I then got distracted by trying to stop Molly inspecting Ben’s shoes so closely that she risked being kicked in the face. Then I heard Ben, via his device, say ‘shoes’.

He had gone to the folder called ‘shoes’ and then had ignored the cells called boots, thongs (it’s Australian software), AFOs, sandals and trainers to select the one that said ‘shoe’.

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Ben knew what I was talking about, he knew exactly which words we needed, and he found them with his eyes by navigating between pages, selecting the correct one of 18 cells on the screen, repeatedly. It’s functional, practical, appropriate communication. It’s everyday speech, only it has taken years of practice and support for this to become close to our everyday.

It’s one step further forward for a boy who has spent nine years working so hard to make himself understood. He’s 9! I’m so proud!

 

All that really matters

When I write this blog, I hope that it is read by people who may find themselves saying things to me like ‘I could never do what you do’, or ‘I’m so sorry’ with their head tilted slightly to the side and a tone of pity in their voice. When I tell people I have a beautiful, thriving son who is eight years old and is also disabled, I don’t want people to react with pity or sadness because it is unnecessary and ignorant. And with those people in mind I write blog posts about triking! And fun playschemes! And ziplining! I write about why we are lucky, and why wheelchairs are enabling (not disabling). I have a feeling that negative portrayals about disability are so ubiquitous that I’ll try and write about disabled children who are well, having fun, happy.

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Then suddenly I realised that maybe I have become some version of all those irritating people on social media who have apparently perfect lives, whose children are never dirty and always engaged in constructive activities. Perhaps I am one of the people that I would unfollow because there’s only so many pictures of Mediterranean holidays and accomplished crafting in tidy houses I can take before feeling a bit shit that my kids are all currently watching Kids YouTube in mismatched clothes surrounded by junk.

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What ends up on the internet isn’t an accurate portrayal of everything going on in a person’s life, and I don’t believe it has to be. But as a species we inevitably compare ourselves to others and I would hate other parents of disabled children to think they are doing badly because they are looking at me with my family and our apparently nonstop wholesome adventures.

All of the adventures we do have are facilitated by me having an enthusiastic husband, a hugely supportive extended family, and a lot of paid help. For all my hatred of the pity faces, and even with all these people helping us, there are aspects of our lives which are tough. We have too many children with differing needs. Ben has specific needs and access requirements and that means we can’t do everything we would like to as a family. Our family is like an oil tanker that takes a long time to get going and has a huge turning circle. We need to be shovelling coal daily (though presumably that isn’t how oil tankers are fuelled these days) to keep the show on the road. The days that have been successes have been carefully organised and James and I will have been put considerable work in for the kids (and us!) to get fun out.

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The majority of days aren’t special days, they are bog standard normal days when the boys are at school, then at home and everyone needs to be fed and cleaned. We have just had two months of not having anyone to help me in the daytime on weekdays and I have to set my expectations accordingly. A good afternoon/evening is one in which I haven’t shouted that much, when the kids haven’t watched TV from the moment they got in the house to the moment they go to bed, when everyone has had some of the food they should and not too much of the food they shouldn’t.

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Some weekends we are taking Ben to a planetarium or an outdoor education centre, other weekends when we have no help and we are tired or have things to do, Ben might watch hours of TV. He’s happy, and he’s learning almost nothing from the second hour of Strictly Come Dancing but we’re enjoying a family chuckle at Bruno. We can go a whole weekend with no physio, ignoring the standing frame, forgetting to practice with the electric wheelchair, not having time to get the trike out, and Ben watching up to four films.

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I’m not particularly proud of those weekends, but I really resent the idea that parents of disabled children are held to a higher standard (by professionals, by themselves) because they have to work that much harder to support their child’s development. And I hate the idea (which I am 100% guilty of) that we look at other parents and feel crap because we’re not teaching our kids phonics, stretching their hamstrings and working on their fine motor skills all the time, every day.

It should be enough to spend time just keeping our kids alive and happy, enjoying their company, or getting done the stuff (and man, there is always a mountain of stuff) that we need to. The bureaucratic load of having a disabled child is tedious but ever present. It takes extra time to feed, bathe and change a child who can’t help with these things. There are extra pressures, more appointments, difficult conversations with professionals. All of this takes physical and mental energy. There is little benefit to a child of doing all the physio someone recommended but having a mother who is losing her mind.

Sometimes you have to just batten down the hatches, recognise your capacity at that point, and accept that you’re doing your best right now. If someone asks how Ben is and I can reply ‘fine’, then we’re doing well. So your kid hasn’t done their exercises, but you’ll probably never know if they would have made any difference, and meanwhile they are clean, fed, apparently happy (or not actively unhappy) and, most of all, loved. You might even have read them a book. That’s all that really matters.